Boo-Yah! Looks like la-la land's evil empire is fallin' apart ... bummer dude ... C'mon down to Dallas Shaq Daddy! ... and leave that "Lawyers in Love" state soap opera behind ... Yo, speakin' of soaps, need a little Clinton fix? ... My Life ...  oh yeah ... Slick Willie sez he was banished to the couch with his only friend the dog after Monicagate ... "Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."~ Oscar Wilde ... Hilary's sidekick also sez he was brushed by Bush when he warned of Osama Bin Hidin and the Al Queda ... Hindsight's 20/20 ... A Bangkok technology college has given transvestites their own "Pink Lotus" restroom ... Excuse me. Sell crazy some place else, we're all stocked up here ... "The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."~ Richard Braunstein ... You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body." ... Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark ... He said - Two inches more and I would be king ... She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen ... "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."~ Sam Kinison ... A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes ... In Virginia, the Code of 1930 has a statute which prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates ... "We had gay robbers last night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."~ Robin Williams
Have Mercy! Don't ya miss that o-zone now? ... Forrest fires are pilin' up quicker than a California gubernatorial race ... Flamin' higher than your local gas prices ... spreadin' out faster than a Baylor witchhunt ... Woo! Hoo! ... Nitwits are runnin' amok this month, makes ya dizzy with the possibilities ... On the recent Texas floods Cousin Bubba Sez: "It's rainin' so hard the animals are startin' to pair up." ... For the "Where'd that sayin' come from?" department: England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." ... "Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." ~Steven Wright ... Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? ... Attention Slackers! Check out Fav-O-Rites:  I.S.B.W. and E-Card Top100
Holy Mackerel Andy! It's so hot in Texas ...
It's drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford Clinic.
The trees are bribin' the dogs.
Fertilizing your lawn is considered a form of mental illness.
Cows are giving evaporated milk
The golf caddie's only instruction is "play for shade!"
The birds are usin' pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
A sad Arizonian once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it, but for my 7-year-old." ... a mechanic explained; "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." ... Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing ... "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools." ~Ernest Hemmingway ... 1/3 of the land in the U.S. is owned by the government ... Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible? ... "I bought a dog the other day, I named him Stay. It's fun to call him; 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing." ~Steven Wright ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "Getting a straight answer out of a political candidate is like trying to braid live eels in a bucket."
Woo Hooo! Ya gotta be happier than a clam at high tide, 'cause when all the presidential candidate's promises come true, we're all gonna be rich with nothin' left to worry about! ... oh yeah, and there'll be a piano jump out of my ass playin' "Stormy Weather" too ... Current "Nitwit" Kathryn Ostien was a no brainer ... Cha! Let's ban a Woody Guthrie parody there copyright commando, that's as popular as ice cream and by the way, would be right up Woody's alley ... girl's slower than a geological plate shifting ... and about as useful as a trap door on a canoe ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "The worlds upside down. The best golfer's black, best rapper's white, the Germans don't want war, and the French call Americans arrogant." ... Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? ... Marriage in America, is the only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech ... Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those of us who can't remember where we've left things ... "I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."~Steven Wright
Check out new Fav-O-Rites: FlushTheWeb  and  CollegeDownTime
Redneck Diction Reference
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. (See Texas Alumni) Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere 'bout Elvis bein' at the Falcon game?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense. VIEW - contraction: verb & pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
MARKINS - Noun. Citizens of the United States. Usage: "My fellow Markins..."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Redneck words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

Hooahh! It's "Prime Time" ... Baseball Playoffs & Football Kickoffs ... the remote control's gonna be busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor ... Hats off to Greece & all the Olympiads! Nice Job, but next Oly-Oly lets add a couple of medals for "Best Tattoo" and "Worst Judge" (maybe break it down with "highest paid" and "absolute dumbest") ... Aha! in keepin' with the Olympic theme, this month's "Nitwit" was chosen in that same crooked judging tradition ... i want, i need, gimme, gimme ... "I really don't deserve this award, but then again, I have arthritis and I really don't deserve that either." ~Jack Benny ...  Amsterdam now has talking toilets ... Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we're already there? ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "If a kid asks where rain comes from, tell him 'God is crying.' And if he asks why, tell him 'probably because of something you did.'" ... The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds ... (Osama Bin Hidin' excluded) ... Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said,
"So. What did you think?" ~Steven Wright
Boo-Yah! As the election turns down the backstretch it appears some of our "Lawyers In Love" state model citizens refuse to give up the spotlight ... MJ, in retrospect, says he now wishes he'd never sprung for the earlier child molester payrolls ... duh ... Houston, we have contact. Welcome to your 1st dose of reality there fluffy ... Cousin Bubba Sez MJ may have slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching, but hey, whatever this freakshow is, we created it ... Evidently Macaulay Culkin got bored with being home alone ... and Congrats to Uncle Hugh for his induction into the Porn Hall Of Fame ... there's some proof evolution can go in reverse ... More insights to: Why did the chicken cross the road? ... Karl Marx: To seize the means of production and escape the alienation of the proletariat ... Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road ... Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain ... Groucho Marx: Chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt would have divorced him, but she needed the eggs ... "A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live." ~Bob Hope ... The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes." ... T. Bubba Bechtol, City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a live radio talk show what he thought of the torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but thunderous applause from the audience. "If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say:
'Red is positive.' 'Black is negative.'"
A Toast To Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)
I tell ya, with my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday,
"To the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Hey, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
Ya know I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her?
I said I didn't think I had enough gas.
I came from a tough neighborhood. I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway.
He said, "I don't know, no one's ever made it"
What a kid I got too, I told him about the birds and the bees.
He told me about the butcher and my wife.
I tell ya I don't get no respect.
Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:  You have two cows.  You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:  You have two cows.  The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:  You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:  You have two cows.  Your neighbor has none.  You feel guilty for being successful.  You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.  The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:  You have two cows.  The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:  You have two cows.  The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  They are mad.  They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You count them and learn you have five cows. You count again and learn you have 42 cows. You count again and learn you have 12 cows.  You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:  You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You worship both of them.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  That one on the left is kinda cute.
Gobble Gobble! So you went to a fight and an NBA game broke out? ... Ron Artest says he was only defending his dignity ... okie dokie ... Why didn't "The Warrior" do a little defending when Ben Wallace was tellin' him; "I'm gonna knock your teeth so far down your throat you'll spit 'em out in single file?" ... guess Motown drunks are easier prey than a big dog so tall, if he fell he'd be half way home ...
HOW TO COOK A THANKSGIVING TURKEY
STEP 1: GO BUY A TURKEY
STEP 2: TAKE A DRINK OF WHISKEY (SCOTCH)
STEP 3: PUT TURKEY IN THE OVEN
STEP 4: TAKE ANOTHER 2 DRINKS OF WHISKEY
STEP 5: SET THE DEGREE AT 375 OVENS
STEP 6: TAKE 3 MORE WHISKEYS OF DRINK
STEP 7: TURN OVEN THE ON
STEP 8: TAKE 4 WHISKS OF DRINKY
STEP 9: TURK THE BASTEY
STEP 10: WHISKEY ANOTHER BOTTLE OF GET
STEP 11: STICK A TURKEY IN THE THERMOMETER
STEP 12: GLASS YOURSELF A POUR OF WHISKEY
STEP 13: BAKE THE WHISKEY FOR HOURS
STEP 14: TEST THE LURKEY FOR NUMBNESS
STEP 15: TAKE THE OVEN OUT OF THE LURKEY
STEP 16: FLOOR THE LURKEY UP OFF OF THE PICK
STEP 17: TURK THE CARVEY
STEP 18: GET YOURSELF NUTHER SCOTTLE OF BOTCH
STEP 19: TET THE SABLE AND POUR YOURSELF A GLASS OF TURKEY
STEP 20: BLESS THE SAYING, PASS AND EAT OUT
New Christmas Gift Ideas
Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm
Ron Artest Bullseye Beer Toss
Learn About Puberty Chia Pet
Osama Bin Hidin Supersoaker 9000 
For use on those hard to reach targets. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
The Laff-O-Minit Jajic Spellin' Tootor Doggie Dentist
Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
Cuisin-Art 
Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool.
Water Retention Wanda  
Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
Advanced Play Medical Kit 
Includes colonoscope and speculum.
Bungeroo 
Kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms.
The Duncan Yo --
Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.
5,200 pick up
Jumbo deck of cards for longer larger game version.
Islamic Strip Poker  
Lose a hand, lose a hand.
Holiday Diet
  The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake
(eaten directly from freezer)
                        Ponderings for the New Year
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could "I do" be the longest?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
Good to see "Bocephus" wailin' the national anthem at the Jets collapse ...  Prince Harry's fashion risk was about as cute as a Randy Moss rump rub ... if brains were taxed, those boys would get rebates ... snow in Arizona & Houston? ... did it get dark in here or do I have a tumor? ... "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" * Richard Jeni ...  Have Mercy! Only 2 weeks away for our annual Super Bowl Vegas weekend, guess I better warn Visa ...  "I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller." ~Henny Youngman ... marriage in America is the only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech ... A true story. Mickey Mantle drove Billy Martin to a friend's private south Texas ranch for bird hunting. With Billy waiting outside the private gate, Mickey went in and was informed by his rancher friend, his prize bull was dying and asked would Mickey spare him the pain of shooting the bull himself. Mickey seized the opportunity to repay Billy, an all-time practical joker, and stormed back outside, grabbed his shotgun off the truck rack and exclaimed, "That sumbitch let us drive all this way and now won't let us hunt!" Mick wheeled, aimed, and carefully shot the bull. Then immediately behind him, Blam! Blam! Blam! Flustered and ducking, Mickey spun around to find Billy, the consummate team player, rapid firing into the rest of the herd.
As a testament to Johnny Carson's longevity, consider the fact that "The Tonight Show" remained a fixture on NBC through the administrations of seven U.S. Presidents; Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan & Bush.
Carnac The Magnificent
May a love-starved fruit-fly molest your sister's nectarines.
May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup.
May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub.
May you get your first French kiss from a diseased camel.
May a crazy holy man set fire to your nose hair.
May your only daughter take up with a yak of another faith.
May a crazed lizard unravel your underwear.
May a queasy camel freshen up your mother's evening bath.
May a nearsighted sand flea suck syrup off your short stack.
May the winds of the Sahara blow a scorpion up your sister's caftan. 

"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president,
and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."

Fat Tuesday! and Mardi Gras is on a roll ... in case you're wondering where your children are ... It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world's population are drunk  ... "In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer." Dave Barry ... Boston can "paahk da kaah" with another Super Bowl trophy ... soo, hows 'bout them Celtics? ... hey, but wasn't it great to see a man of principals stick to his game plan? like Andy Reid still establishing the run, 2 scores down with a minute to go ... The oldest spider on record is a tarantula that lived to be 28 ... Punxsutawney's renowned predicting rat Phil sez 6 more weeks of winter ... so we got that going for us ... "In India, 'cold weather' is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy." ~Mark Twain ...  Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance ... "Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in." ~Rita Rudner  ... Marriage is the process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred ...
Chuckles? try ... JoeCartoon ... Pet Humor
Yee Doggies! It's rainin' so hard in our lawyers in love state California, the animals are starting to pair up ... pssst! Hockey strikers. Nobody liked baseballs greed & gripe show  .. and we watched baseball ... Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "Settlin' a professional athletes strike is like tryin' to herd cats." ... Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? ... "If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looks like." ~Phyllis Diller ... most of New York's "Clothing Optional Dinner" participants should consider taking their show & tell act back to the beach and "sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here." ... N. Korea's not interested in nuclear disarmament talks? ... buckle up spanky ... tax returns comin' along slower than a geological plate shifting? Tsunami relief donations are 100% tax write off this year ... make your mark Zorro ... on average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily ... A photographic memory, yeah sure - but the lens cover is still on ... Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors ... A family in Tennessee is suing Wal-Mart & Grand Theft Auto games for their son firing a gun at traffic ... sounds like he slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching ... "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." ~Jeff Foxworthy
O'Grady & O'Malley were best of friends and drinking buddies for years. After a few rounds one night at the pub, O'Grady asked, "We've been friends for years right?"
"Aye!" O'Malley snapped, stood and saluted.
"Well, if I should die before ye, would'ya do me a favor and get a bottle of the best Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over me grave?"
"Aye! It'd be an honor my old friend." O'Malley replied, then pondered.
"But would'ya mind if I passed it through me body first?"
***
The Top 10 Signs That You're Being Stalked By A Leprechaun
1. Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.
2. Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
3. Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers. 
4. You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
5. Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!"
6. When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy." 
7. Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat. 
8. Shamrocks, hearts, moons and diamonds are scratched on your car at knee-level.
9. Those little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's there Fluffy.
10. Every day you notice the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
Yo! Lissa Morgenthaler-Jones! We're a few clowns short of a circus here. Ease up a bit Kitten, pretty dang sure the whole country's not on "Ahnuld's" band wagon for president just yet. He may be just what the Doc ordered for our "lawyers in love" California cool-aide state, but before you start amending the constitution, consider the last time an Austrian slipped into another country's leading "role", it really didn't take ... maybe some thought went into that natural born citizen thingamajigy ...  Lissa's (that's Lisa with 2 s's for you ignorant foreigners) Silicon Valley business must be boomin' for her to just piss away 200 grand on TV ads .. out of state ...  some say; standing close to her, you can hear the ocean ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger 'n you think." ... Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark ... "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet," ~Robin Williams ... too bad Barry Bonds felt like he had to hide behind his son. To what?  Admit he's kind of beaten down? ... psst, Barry .. everybody knows how you did it ..  but the beauty is, sports fans will forgive a cheater .. if they fess up ... "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." ~Gloria Steinem 
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.  
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. 
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! 
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. 
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? 
SAFER: Could we be overreacting? 
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? 
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. 
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? 
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! 
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
Woo-Hoo! He may have slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking, but Lord, Michael Jackson do add spice to the evening news ... poor child, he looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down now ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there." ... pajama-boy could'a had a wife testify on his behalf .. if he'd studied his "Woman's Dictionary" a little mo'...
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Have Mercy! Don't ya miss that o-zone now? ... Forrest fires are pilin' up quicker than the Phoenix heat records ... Flamin' higher than your local gas prices ... speadin' out faster than a G Dubyah witchhunt ... Woo! Hoo! ... and about as useful as a Taliban recruiter with NHL season tickets ...  Nitwits are runnin' amok this month, makes ya dizzy with the possibilities ... From the "Where'd that sayin' come from?" department: England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." ... What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? .."Are you sure it's mine?" ... Why do men want to marry virgins? .. They can't stand criticism ... What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? .. They're hiring
Yo Boudreaux! ... Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
... the honeymoon's over when he phones that he'll be late for supper -- and she has already left a note that it's in the refrigerator ... Woo Hoo! Lady Luck has come to my door, dropped her top, and knocked me down with a feather Spanky! Some guy in Nigeria emails me and needs help with his prince's 80 million bucks .. and is sending it over to me as we speak! This boy's a few fries short of a happy meal and I'm busier than a cat coverin' poop on a marble floor spending it ... so I got that going for me, which is nice ...
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looks like." ~Phyllis Diller ... doesn't anybody remember that Raphie Palmero came over on a banana boat from Cuba? ... what's all the comotion about steroids anyway? baseball players have always been cheaters, and put that kind of money out for normal jobs and watch whatcha get ... If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? ... “Despite the hysterics of a few pseudo-scientists, there is no reason to believe in global warming.” ~Rush Limbaugh ... Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark
This is a news report coming out of Fayetteville yesterday:
Arkansas Razorbacks football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Head Coach Houston Nutt immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to __________encounter the substance again.__________
Cousin Bubba Sez: "A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body." ... He said - Two inches more and I would be king ... She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen ... "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."~ Sam Kinison ... A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes
Good Luck to Texas Tech in the Cotton Bowl, it appears you earned it..
Thought you might enjoy a new book on golf that gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that the author gained through 35 years of experience. Here's the table of contents for your review:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titlist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9am
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th...
Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 16 - When to Re-Grip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 17 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 18 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer From The Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, But Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender...

Happy Holidays & here's a little turkey recipe for ya
     Richard Pryor Quotes
"I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety."
"And its the people you meet after you been drunk, that remember shit you don't remember.. .."Hey Rich, don't you remember that time we went out, we got fucked up, and you stuck your arm up that elephant's ass? Don't you remember that? Elephant tightened his ass up and went walking down the street with you? Don't you remember that? Man, you looked like a turd with a hat on."
"I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right."
     "It's been a struggle for me because I had a chance to be white and refused"
     "I went to Zimbabwe...I know how white people feel in America now, relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!"
     "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers."
     "I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic."
"It's so much easier for me to talk about my life in front of two thousand people than it is one-to-one. I'm a real defensive person, because if you were sensitive in my neighborhood you were something to eat."
"Bitch was so fine I'd suck her daddy's dick."
"I couldn't stop. I put the pipe down. It jumped back in my hand."
"I'm not addicted to cocaine... I just like the way it smells."
"I went to the White House, met the president.. We in trouble."
"I had some great things and I had some bad things. The best and the worst... In other words, I had a life."
Richard Pryor
1940-2005
"To fully appreciate the power of Richard Pryor as a stand-up comedian, you had to follow him at the Comedy Store.
I did once, and I'm lucky to be alive."~ David Letterman
Holy Mack'el Andy! The Stones act was less rehearsed than the referees ... professional wrestling's got nothing on the NFL these days, Gorgeous George could fit right in one of these Super Bowl soap operas .. oh yeah, congrats Bus, great game, scheesh ... "Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it." ~Sam Levenson ... If you want the best seat in the house, move the cat ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."
The graduate with a Science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,
"How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks,
"How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"
Marriage is a ceremony favored in England - it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating ... "I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code." ~Emo Phillips ...
Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.