Rodney Dangerfield
I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father,
"I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.
I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... after I was born.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said, "my god twins"
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ...
"Do you think we'll ever find them? He said "I don't know, there's so many places they could hide."
I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd had nothing to play with.
I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet..
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor.
They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"
I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them?",
I don't know.. there's so many places to hide.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library.
I woke up and a blind man was reading my face. 
One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. 

They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too ?  
My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No, one drag is enough"
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning", "No I hate myself now."

FAT. My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
FAT. My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing 
She's so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra 
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She's so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her?
I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.

She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo"
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.
She was so ugly that the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.
My wife's got a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history. 
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house. 

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
Group sex are you kidding I had group sex - My wife screwed me in front of the jury.
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
I told my Doctor I think my wife has V.D., he gave himself a shot of penicillin
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.
I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out"
Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had".
The waiter joined me.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked, I said "Hey buddy why are you doing that?",
he said "cause you came home early".
Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.
My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way."

I have three kids, one of each.
I have a son in college. He's majoring in F.....g up.
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.
My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up!"
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. 
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. 
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.

My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield
Caddyshack Al Czervik Costume
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saddle up amigo