Larry The Cable Guy

Larry The Cable Guy Quotes..

I don't play with myself. I was cleaning it once and it went off.

What happened to airplane attendants being cute? What the hell

happened to that? Them girls were so ugly they would make Ray Charles flinch.

This a Song I wrote about my girlfriend. She cheated on me with another man. It's called,

"I Can't Get Over You til You Get Out From Under Him."

I was madder then a deaf-mute playing Bingo, getting Bingo, and trying to holler out Bingo,

I was seeing this girl for about six weeks, until someone took my binoculars...

I was madder than a skinhead watching The Jeffersons!

I was more confused than Ray Charles with a "Where's Waldo" Book.

My sister was getting married, and she's a big ol' sum. Her friends were about as fat as she is

and she bought them all matching brown dresses. They looked like a bunch of UPS trucks in the middle of the parking lot.

I was taking a crap once and then my sister walks in and says, "I gotta get my hairspray." All of sudden she says

"Uh, smells like crap in here.", What do you think's coming out of my rear,Twizzlers?

I once tipped a stripper with Monopoly money, and after that she said "That's fake money!" I said "Alright, well them's fake"

My brother got eliminated from the spelling bee. Apparently, there ain't no number eight in the word "pollinate".

I went out with this one girl, and she scared me. One day she says to me "Soon you're gonna hear the pitter-patter

of little feet!" and I'm thinking, "Oh Lord, she's pregnant"...

She ended up leavin' me for a midget.

I do need to lose some weight now, I gotta tell ya. I had a threesome last week, and I was all by myself.

You know gas is expensive when you see street gangs doing walk-bys.

I went jogging last week. I didn't want to, my car broke down in a crappy neighborhood.

I lost eight pounds and my rims.

Here's my least favorite four stripper names: Edna, Bertha, Gertrude... and Walter.

This guy goes to his doctor one day and the doctor says, "I have bad news, and worse news." He says, "What's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "You got 24 hours to live." I say, "What's the worse news!?" Doctor says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

These two guys go hunting and the one guy says, "Good lord, I can see your house from here and your wife's cheatin' on you with another guy!"

The other guy says, "Oh, I've had it with her. Gonna shoot her in the head and him in the privates!"

Then says, "I can get that in one shot!"

Git-R-Done!