Personals Guide
"Women Seeking Men"
40-ish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .48
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . .Possessive
Artist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Unreliable
Average looking . . . . . . . . .Ugly
Beautiful . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Pathological liar
Commitment-minded . . . . . . Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important... Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious smile . . . . . . . . Bring your penicillin
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Pushy
Educated . . . . . . . . . . . . . . College dropout
Emotionally secure . . . . . . Medicated
Employed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera . . . . .Snob
Enjoys Nature . . . . . . . . . .Bring your own granola
Excited about life's journey...No concept of reality
Exotic beauty . . . . . . . . . . Would frighten a Martian
Financially secure . . . . . . . One paycheck from the street
Free spirit . . . . . . . . . . . . .Substance abuser
Fun . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Annoying
Gentle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Comatose
Good Listener . . . . . . . . . . Borderline Autistic
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Caustic
Intuitive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Your opinion doesn't count
In transition . . . . . . . . . . Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker . . . . . . . . . . .Lush
Looking for Mr. Right . . . . Looking for Mr. Rich
Looks younger . . . . . . . . . . If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves travel . . . . . . . . . . . If you're paying
Loves animals . . . . . . . . . . Cat lady
New-Age . . . . . . . . . . . . . . All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional . . . . . . . . .Ex-husband lives in the basement
Open-minded . . . . . . . . . . . Desperate
Outgoing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Loud
Petite . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional . . . . . . . . . . . Feminist
Redhead . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Frumpy
Reubenesque . . . . . . . . . . . .Grossly Fat
Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Looks better by candle light
Self-employed . . . . . . . . . . Jobless
Smart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Insipid
Special . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Involved with a cult
Stable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Boring
Tall, thin . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic
Tan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Wrinkled
Voluptuous . . . . . . . . . . . . Very Fat
Weight proportional to height...Hugely Fat
Wants soulmate . . . . . . . . .One step away from stalking
Widow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nagged first husband to death
Writer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Pompous
Young at heart . . . . . . . . . Toothless crone
"Men Seeking Women"
40-ish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Adventurer . . . . . . . . . . Gets up from the couch to go to the fridge
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic . . . . . . . . . . . . Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak
Average looking . . . . . . .Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking......Fat, grey, and bald
Educated . . . . . . . . . . . . Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed . . . . . . . . . . . . On management track at Radio Shack
Financially secure . . . . . Will spend money, but obey every whim for life
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . Undependable
Fun . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking . . . . . . . . . . Arrogant
Honest . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Pathological Liar
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . . Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
Independent thinker . . . . .Crazy
ISO Slim, attractive female ..Better off with a labrador retriever
Light drinker . . . . . . . . . . Headed for AA
Like to cuddle . . . . . . . . . Insecure, overly dependent
Likes romantic beach walks...Read Cosmo and thinks it's what you want to hear
Looking for Mrs. Right.....Looking for Mrs. Rich
Mature . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Until you get to know him
Physically fit . . . . . . . . .Spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself
Poet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated
Professional . . . . . . . . . Owns a white button down
Reliable . . . . . . . . . . . . . Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Self-employed . . . . . . . . .Jobless and eat nachos all day
Sensitive . . . . . . . . . . . Needy
Smart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever"
Spiritual . . . . . . . . . . . . Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Stable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful . . . . . . . . . . .Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills
Young at heart . . . . . . . .Pedophile
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