Steven Wright
I intend to live forever.. so far so good.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar and she said,
"You didn't borrow this." I said, "I will."
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said,
"So. What did you think?"
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
When I was a little kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child.. eventually.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says,
"I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said,
"Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing
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