Henny Youngman Quotes

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"

The man says, "I make a good living."

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

What's the latest dope on Wall Street? "My son!"

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!"

I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?"

I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!"

I told her, "You did it last week!"

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient.

The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office".

Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day."

Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?"

"I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!