You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. ~Ellen DeGeneres
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"I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~Groucho Marx
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
~Lewis Grizzard
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time." ~Steven Wright
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The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who's drunk and who's just stupid.
~Richard Braunstein
